The AX White Mike Advice Column...

Paul in Phoenix ax:  Dear White Mike, could you give us a bruthuh's perspective on how you see the NHL playoffs breaking down this year? Does Ray Emery, the goaltender for the Ottawa Senators, get an "AMEN" from a fellow Negro? Is there currently a movement on your organization's part to try to get more "Black Head Coaches" in hockey?  Thanks!


White Mike say:  What up my man, Paul!  Love talking hockey wit da brothers!  If Ottawa wins the Cup, it would be the first time ever a negro has won the cup as a goaltender.  Ray Emery is a bad mamby jamby and wit those extra hamstrings should be able to close out Buffalo in 5 or 6 games.  Sorry Rick Jager.  I think the Anaheim/Detroit series is too close to call.  However I will say the winner of the West will go on to beat the East winner.

There is no movement to get more Black Head coaches cause da brothers don't like the cold!

Peace

White Mike

Wheels ax:  White Mike, I was at a bar last nite and some huge black bodybuilder was flexing his muscles like 2 feet in front of me.  I was tweaked out by this, so I told him I think my friend likes u. What was I supposed to do?


White Mike say:  Sup G.  Sounds to White Mike like YOUs liked it and wanted his black cock but was afraid to axe.  Don't pawn yous excitement off on some other homo.  Take responsibilities.  Lots o dem bodybuilders are homos.  You mighta had a shot.  Next time just go up to him and say "Suck yo cock?"

Peace

Out

White

Unhappy Couple ax:  MY WIFE AND I WOULD LIKE TO RENEW OUR VOWS AFTER 17 LONG AND AGONIZING YEARS! WOULD YOU PLEASE MARRY US AGAIN???


White Mike say:  White Mike would be happy to renew your misery!!! Just tell me who you be
and where you is and we can do it next time we be in town n shit!!!!

Rabbit ax:  Why the hell every time I see an -itis show I get kicked out... first come the X's on the hands then just like that I'm out... I got booted twice in Denver and it will probably happen again in the Springs...

White Mike say:  Not sure home slice...Maybe's you's be acting weird or fucked up?  Long as you be chilling n having fun dere should be no problems!!!     ---White

Sexless Marriage ax:  Dear White Mike, I just don't know what to do about my non-existent sex life. My now husband has been telling me for the last five years that he wants to, but he just can't have sex with me for many reasons. He has told me that it was against his religion (after 6 months of sex) and that our sex life would get better after we we're married. It didn't. He has also told me that the reason was because of the kids. But even when we don't have the kids, he has gotten drunk and flirted his ass off in front of me instead of spending one on one time with me. It seems to me that he just don't want me, but he keeps saying he does. It's kind of a head fuck. It's not like we never have sex, it's just as rare as a blue moon. Over the last year we've run into some major trust issues. I'm against cheating so what do you think about this and what should I do...stay or go? Thanks for all that you do.

White Mike say:  Wow. Dat be a tough one. It be one of two things in White Mike's humble opinion. He's either gay or there's something be wrong with his dick.  Maybe it don't work. Maybe he thinks it's be too small to please you! Maybe he cum too quick. Have you tried just sucking his dick? If not, just go down on the mutha fucka. Ain't no man can walk away from lips on da cock! After yous get him hard as a rock, climb on the flesh pipe and get yaself some orgasms. If dat don't work, they be some dildos dat could do da job. Fuck yaself in front of him with a dildo or vibrator. If none of those work, he be needin' some serious help. It may be mental!!!!  White Mike be sorry fo yo situation but don't be afraid to touch yaself.  You need it!!!!

Keep me posted...White Mike care

Barry say:  Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.  When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.

White Mike say:  No sweat Holmes. Got ya covered. Do's what I can.

Barry:  1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

White Mike:  Fuck yeah, slice. Hit them hard. Hit them often. Beat that nonsense out of them. They will soon love the odor. I promise. It's God's will !!!!

Barry:  2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

White Mike:  Dat be easy...A dollar two ninety eight.

Barry:  3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

White Mike:  You can always tell because any animal that's around (dog, cat, lizard, snake, etc...) be all up in dat puss. Trying to get at it somehow. A sniff o' a lick. They love the dirty panties, too. Look fo dat. Also, dey usually be agitated, temperamental cunts round dat time. Keep a ear out fo dat, too.

Barry:  4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

White Mike:  You CAN own Canadians but they smoke so much weed that dey be no good as slaves. Also, it be funner to hit the Mexicans. You get a little more English out of them the harder you hit them. The Canadians know English so dat be no fun. 

Barry:  5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death.

White Mike:  Yes. Kill the neighbor. If you don't, pretty soon e'rbody be workin' on da Sabbath and da sanctity o' da Sabbath will be compromised. Da whole world will go to hell. Don't matter if dey don't believe what you's believes. You be write. If you's do not follow da Bibles literal words, you be going to hell fo eternity, Holmes!

Barry:  Much appreciated...

White Mike:  Zghea, WM

8 YIZ NO JIZ ax:  Hey homie,my bitch dozin't like it when I'z give here the money shot!!!!  We been together fo 8 years and she still scared of me jiz... What I do?

White Mike say:  Home slice, if she ain't gobblin' dat shizznizzle up by now like ice cream on a hot ass mutha f**kin' day, she ain't NEVER gonna likes it!  But I can suggest dis: Eat pineapple everyday fo a weeks ors two and den shoot a load in her yap.  If dat don't works, just grab her hair and MAKES her likes it! 
Ughhhhhhhhhh!

WM

SHY GUY ax:  I have issues with talkin' to random ladies in bars and clubs. Just don't have any good moves. Got any advice?

White Mike say:  Dat be a tough one, homey. Usually, you's either gots it or you's don't.  Don't be mattering how good you look.  Be mattering hows you carry youself. Ho's dig confidence. Here be a few lines dat work fo WM.  Try it an write back wit da results...

1. Yo, ho, you's be looking fine, what's it gonna take to get you into White Mike tonight! 
2. Sup, biotch? How bouts I buys you's a drink and then you's suck my dick.
3. Hey, I got cocaine!
4. I got fudge (fo da voluptuous ho's)
5. Get in da car, bitch, and don't say goodbye to NOBODY! (must say with confidence!)

Yo slice, good luck---WM 

Natedawgydawg ax:  WHITE MIKE! What the hellz be up with the tour schedule, homie? Yall'z needz to be playin' ILIFF PARK SALOON again.  Me and all my peepz alwayz be sayin' yoo'z the best mufukin' band to be playin' yo shit there. Fuck them Lakewood wannabe mofo's at Eck's Saloon bring it back to the A-TOWN dizzle for shizzle... natedawgydawg

White Mike say:  Yo, home slice. Thanks fo da props but understands dat White Mike need to spread his "word" to ALL his peeps around da country. Gots to keep all da bitches and ho's happy.  Til I be back, keep the beer cold and da pussies warm.  See ya when I sees ya! Uh!      WM

Crazy Craig Lover ax:  YO YO White Mike... I want to hump Craig and his guitar...do you think this is a bad idea?  Please help me... I fear I am losing it.

White Mike say:  Don't worry, Crazy Craig lover, e'rbody wants to touch Craiger sometimes.  It's only natural!  May want to watch out for da sharp ends on da guitar strings and dat whammy bar can get stuck in bad places, too!  Just make sures yous clean da jizz off after.  Craiger or his guitar don't play as good when drenched in cum!

S in C ax:  I have had feelings for this guy for almost three years now, and I know that he has feelings for me, but the problem is, he has a girlfriend. Should I tell him? It's driving me nuts. Can ya help a sista out?

White Mike say:  Sup, sista! White Mike need more detail. How you know he gots feelins fo yous? He tell yous or bust a nut in ya face? Whats 'bout his girl? Maybe she like da puss, too and y'all can get busy togethers! Don't sound like he wanting to get rid of his steady ho, so unless you want to be's discreet and fuck him on da side, forget 'bout that zero and get yaself a HERO, ugh!

BJS ax:  White Mike, how can I control the growth of my body hair in the... let's say... nut region?
Prickly your, BJS

White Mike say:  Gotta nest going down under, my brutha?  White Mike’s ain’t gots no pubic hair problem cause White Mike’s ain’t gots no pubic hair uh!  Shave dat shizznizzle off, negro.  No needs fo it no mo.  It be 2005 home slice.  Get wit da program.  While you be at it, shave da asshole hair, too!  No ho gonna lick da nugget if yous got dingle berries down dere! Spread da word yo.

WM

Werd ax:  White Mike, I have a very weird problem on my hands.  I have a step aunt who is one year older than me and she is jockin' my cock!!!  Man she really wants my nuts.  So, White Mike, I ax you, should I hump her?

White Mike say:  Sup, Weirdo.  Da key word in yo question is "step."  Dat means she ain’t blood, which mean stab it as soon as yous can grabs it!  If dey be any consequences manifesting cause o yo actions, blame it on da ho.  Peace out.

Aurora dis, Aurora dat ax:  I live here in Aurora, CO- but my aunt is trying to get me to move to Pineville, MN (it's near Aurora, MN).  Should I go?  Is MN cool or boring?  What is there?  Should I just stay fucking put!?!?!?  HELP, PLEASE !

White Mike say:  Sup, ho! White Mike don't care where yous goes, just stay f**kin'! Uh!

ICE ax:  Yo, WM, holla at ur boy!!  Whaddif u be in a band an da lead singa try to be pullin' sum Vanilla Ice type whack ass shiznit?  Ax Ray Ray from da BREACH OF PEACE band.  I heard dat E.Bay biotch takes rod in da rump.  By da way, you be rockin' homie.  Peace, nigga!!
P.S.  I bet 'nilla Ice an dat " hid cock" (aka-Kid Rock) lu dem sum White Mike.
 

White Mike say:  Niggah, Vanilla Ice is and always was a phony, punk ass, no talent hack.  Why he wanna copy he?  He like Milli Vanilli too?  Dem fake ass niggahs won a Grammy!  Proof dat da masses swallow whatever is shoved down they throats.  Tell that singer to give up da Vanilla Ice impression.  They is plenty a other fags to copy that HAVE talent.
Out--- WM

Some Ho ax:  Give me your thoughts on this crazy situation. I've been married for 9 1/2 years and have two kids. I have everything I've ever wanted. Sounds good, right? The problem is my hubby can't seem to keep his cock in his pants when he's out. The man has only been faithful for the last year. Two years ago he ditched me and his kids on Christmas Eve and did my best friend in his parents' driveway across the street from our home. My oldest sadly even knows some of the situation and begged me not to leave Daddy. So here I sit just hoping he keeps it in his pants. I say it's time for me to go have my fun and let him sit his ass at home.

White Mike say:  If yo man be cheatin'?  You ain't suckin his dick enough!  Get on it ho!

Midget ax:  White Mike, help a sister out. what do you do when your best friend continually cheats on his girl?  He hurting a lot of people.  Any advice to make him see the error of his ways?

White Mike say:  Sup, Midget.  Yo, White Mike need da 411, yo.  Does da ho know?  If she know and still fuck him, it ain't cheatin!  If she DON'T know, who it be hurtin'?  YOU?  You feelin' pain you gotz no biness feeling, yo.  E'rbody getz a little pussy on da side.  White Mike think you got a crush on ya best friend, girl!  White Mike advice is don't getz involved in their shizznizzle, let it fizzle, he'll get his dismizzle, den you make ya move for her nizzipples!  Roger that, yo!

Confuseled ax:  What are you thoughts on guys who date their best friends EX, knowing that said best friend still has feelings for said ex-girlfriend?  They started dating only a week or two after the best friend and the ex-girlfriend broke up!

White Mike say:  Hmmmmmm....Not sure, but dis might be related to another question Ax'ed o' White Mike. Wha's da 411, home slice?  Did you cheat on her or smack da ho upside da head?  If so's, you's deserves it.  If you treated her like da ho she is and dis shit come out nowhere, dat shit be whacked. Either way, dat ain't no best friend, yo.  Shit, negro, he coulda been tappin' it whiles you still was buryin' ya face in it!  He shoulda waited till you's was bangin' some other ho and over dat pussy b4 stabbin' it.

Mind-F**ked ax:  What would you do if you lived with your EX who had a new girl that you hated and DID since the first time you meet her months ago, even before you had no clue who she was, and he was constantly being a dick, and sending mixed signals?

White Mike say:  Move da fuck out!

Special K ax:  Yo, my nizzle! You got some job openins in yo company? I could be yo janita, hustla, labora... I'm good at laundry, yo! Give me a shizzle some tizzle.  You know my nizzle.  It's in the phone bizzle!!  Peace out!  ZGYEAH!!

White Mike say:  Nuthin fo you, niggah. Can't understand ya!

Mile High Eagle ax:  Mike, pleez help a brotha out. Eye 2 is white and eye can't seem to make it wit da chicks. I shave, uh, all of me (like you brothas) and eyes wheres my hat all sidwayz and shit and notin! Eyes gots one chick e poo to roll her eyez at me, but the bitch didn put out. Does eye needs to take geetar and singin' lessons like da White Mike?!? or should I just stik to self serve sex?? Tanks, bro.

White Mike say:  'Sup, slim. White Mike think yous need to stop axing like a whigger and put ya hat on straight, Holmes. Bitches can spot a phony niggah from miles away. Do dat and maybe edumacate yaself. Read some books or some shit. Dat way da ho might think you's ineresting and smart!  Dat gets da bitches to BE hos! In da meantime, keep greasing da monkey at least 2 times a day. Dat keeps da smell of desperation down to a minimum. Bitches smell dat, too!!! Peace. Out.

White

N'braska 'puter weenie ax:  Yo Fatha' Nig! I Been readin' the stuff on ITISROCKS dot com. I Be findin' some shit that be makin' me stress. Brutha Craig be sayin' I should be givin' you a shout out potainin' to 'dis.  Problem is what the Mormons be sayin' about bein' at the gas station of love, and a brutha usin' the self service pump. I figgaz that a brutha' needs a little Bob Vila (do it you's self) style e'ry now and then. 'Parently the Mormons be sayin' a brutha' can't be doin' that shit to hold off until he convert to Mormon an' be gettin' his wives an' shit. I be strokin' my junk 'bout twice a day an' be thinkin' Mormon lack of hand booty be whack.  Do a brutha' be goin' to hell fo that shit? 'Cause if I can't be strokin' the beef twinkie then I thinks this IS hell.  I need yo' holy advice like 911!  Let a brutha know what be the hap wit' dat shit!  Much respec' to the Reverend and thanks.

White Mike say:  Sup G. Da only thang da Mormons got right is having more den one ho! Now maybe they say no choking da chicken so's you's can handle all da ho's? Dat be fo da average dude dough. White Mike ain't gots no problems cracking a few off and still banging all da ho's! So's, long as you satisfying ya ho, polish ya helmet as many times as yous want! Peace. Out.

WM

Pam-a-licious ax:  Hey Mikey, this question got lost somehow way back, so I'll try again. I've got these two girls who both want all my attention, but not each others'.  I only want them as play toys and couldn't care less. I think "the more the merrier".  Last time my boyfriend and I and the girls and their husbands all got together for an orgy, all the girls did was try to get me to just do them. They keep trying to get me to choose between them and I don't know what to do. What should I do? 

Love ya, Pam-a-licious 

White Mike say:  What up, ho?!  White Mike gots da solution: F**k one in da ass wit a big dildo, grab her by da hair and make her eat da other girl pussy. Make her do's it til she likes it. Den, switch da bitches. F**k da other in da ass and make her eat da shitty pussy!  Til she like it. Problem solved. If it ain't, at least ya got SUMTHIN' out it!

WM

Smokey ax:  YOYOYO, MY BRUTHUH! Seems dat one uh mah babygirls (zgeah, DAT one) female friends has run into a little financhall difficulties and be needin' a crib ta crash fo a MONTH OR TWO!  Problem beein' dat dis biotch be a certifiable HOTTIE, and a grade "A" HO!  She gits in a lots a troubles messin' wit da mans not belongin' to her, and gots ta have da meatin' all da time!  Mah troubles begin wit da fact dat dis tight little 23 year old wit a chronically wet pussy be walkin' 'round da bearcave AWL da time smellin' like a salmon wrap and my little girl won't be round to keep her daddy in check cause she be spendin' mos' da time at her own man's place so...well, me'n dis fine wannitawldatime ho be alone mos' nights...  She do drink alot an' love to party so I can't be...I don't know if, ah...nevuhmind...ah think ah gots da sitchashun in hand!  Dat almost amounted to a STUPID F**KIN' KESTION! 

White Mike say:  Niggah, stop ya whinin' and stab dat ho! She axing for it, ovviously. No guilt, niggah. Man's got needs. Don't be apoligizin' fors it. White Mike love salmon, too. Da taste when it first hit ya lips is...sweet. Maybe's, if you's a smart niggah, you can work a 3-some out it!!!

Keep pimpin'...

WM

Evil Speddie ax:  I watched a friend's bootleg copy of "The Passion of the Christ" on Good Friday. Am I going to Hell?

-Evil Speddie

White Mike say:  Sup, Evil Speddie?! Sorry it took White Mikes so long to gets back to yous. Busy bangin' ho's n shizznizle. You ARE going to hell, niggah! But dere be a ways out. I sentence you to bang 2 ho's you dos not knows, one that blows and then goes home, & one that sucks den stays to fuck. You will be saved, my brutha from another mutha.

ZGHEA!

WM

Some Redheaded Ho ax:  Yo White Mike!!! Sup, brotha?! I gotsa a question fo yo, G!!! Ain't gots nothin' to do with that advice shizzle fanizzle... I wants to know if when you's and yo band be playin "Fire and Rain" which be some wicked bad shiznit yo, if when da real lyrics say "won't ya look down upon me, Jesus" if you's be askin' BEAVIS to look down on yo sorry white self?  So, yo, gimme da heads up on dis... Just wanna say yo band be OFF da hook, Ryan Martin turned me on to ya'll, ya be smokin'!!! Smokin' lots a shiznit, I'm sho, ha!  But ya, fo real I be wonderin' dis, so i fo sho be grateful n' stuff if you's answer yo.... 

*Redheaded sistah from O-K-L-A the REAL hood yo!*

White Mike say:  Sup, ho?! You be having good ears n shizznizzle. You be correct, sista! BEAVIS, BITCH! Worship no false idols!  WHITE MIKE RULES, BIOTCH!

WM

C Boy ax:  White muthaf**kin’ Mike,

I’m in need of seeing ~itis godda**it!  I don’t want to see no f**kin' kiddie show, either. Problem is I’m only 20, and I can’t get into any of the venues to see them. My friend got me hooked on ~itis. My friend is the lush who painted his face (not the pussy who didn’t paint his entire face, the other one) at the DVD showing at Eck’s Saloon. I live only a few miles from the Eck’s, so here’s my proposal (if you can’t get me in otherwise): I will paint my entire body neon orange and go nude; simply tell the bartender(s) not to serve to the naked orange guy.

Sincerely,

C Boy (it’s French)

White Mike say:  Sup, French f**k!?!  White Mike gots 2 things to yap at ya. We is working on a live DVD right now and it coulds be out before you be 21!   If you got $20, you can see -itis!  If not, patience negro. We still be rockin' out for a long times to comes! 

WM

p.s. Learn da songs well. Dere be is a quiz the 1st time yous come to a shizzow! 

The Gobbler Stopper ax:  Yo White Mike, I was banging this biotch and I seed dat the biotch had toes like a turkey. The biotch walked cross the kitchen floor and it sounded like two rats f**kin' in a Tupperware bowl. How do I tell this biotch to trim those yellow claws? The clik clik on the floor keepin' me awake, nigga. Not to mention all the cuts on my face when we be doin' the 69. The biotch is putting marks on my ceilin', 2.


White Mike say:  Yo, nigga, you's gots some problems dere.  If dat was my biotch, I'd be garnishin' da bitches wages so's I could replace all da linoleum in the hizzle.  Mutha f**kin' dog don't be scratchin; shizznizzle up like the turkey toe ho.  Axin' her to trim da claws ain't gonna work, Holmes.  She'd a done done dat by nows.  Slip a valium in her cocktail.  When she pass out, tie da biotch up and break out a mutha f**kin" vise and bolt cutters.  Lop da turkey toes off and make her eat em in her scambled eggs da next mornin'!  She won't be growing da turkey toe no mo!  Take it to da bank, Holmes!  ---WM

some dude say to Mike from Bay Mortgage:  Yo, to da REAL White Mike....Yo MADHATTER sez, fuck dat sorry puss nigga Mike from Gay Mortgage. Dat shitlin' don't know who he be talkin smack about! Yo nigga, you have your fans who knowz who da REAL white Mike iz sooo fuck dat jive turkey biotch and mind hiz own biznezz andd keep pumpin away hiz mamma...-itis roolz, you fag chimp fuck!!! 

The REAL White Mike say:  Zghea! What dis niggah say! Uh!

Da REALZ White Mike

Mike from Bay Mortgage say:  I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not, but the REAL White Mike lives in San Diego, and is from the Bay Area! He is a white rapper, and I’m positive that he has a copy write on that name. I would look into that before you use that name any further, to avoid legal repercussions. 

The REAL White Mike say:  Yo, punk ass!  You betta check ya 411, Negro.  Da REAL White Mike be published since 1997 and documented since 1996. He be Internationally shiznizzilly known.  Dat niggah ain't been out San Diego! You sez he come from the Bay Area?  I sez he come from the Gay Area!  You can't copyright me (notice the correct spelling, dumazz) 'cause I already exist!  You couldn't even copyright a name if you wanted to, dumazz.  He gotz a "Copy White," not a "copy write," dumazz!  Get you terminologeez down before you goes akkin' like some sort of lawyer or somethin'.  Your imposter crapper would be embarassed to knowz how youz tryin' to represent him.  Stick to what you know, keep processin' dem loans, biotch.  Sorry, hiz so-called rappin' career gonna be shorter den his football career.  I preceded whatever dat Kid Rock wannabe niggah came up wits.  Plus, I knows dat niggah ain't a legal Reverend like White Mike be.  God made me White Mike, biotch!!  Top dat, niggah!  So yous betta tell dat mutha f**ka to cease and desist or da real White Mike is coming after HIM!!!  Man, I thought CD Baby.com had standards.  They obviously doesn't screen their roster.  Any REAL White Mike fans wanna check out what kind of "Rap Wit a 'C'" dis fake M&M Peanut be puttin' out, go to CDBaby.com.  It'll makes you laugh to think dis guy take himself seriouzzly.  Mortgage Mike soon gonna be teachin' Fake White Mike (da Student) how to process loans!  Until den, keep on flippin' dem burgers, bizsquizneeatch!  ZGHEA!  OUT!   ---da REAL WHITE MIKE!

Pam-a-licious axes:  Dear White Mike:  My daughter, Mckenzie, thinks that Tom is hot and would like to know how old he is.  Also, if he is single and interested.  I was wondering if she could get in to see a show even though she is only 17, but I would be with her.  What about it?   Love you guys...

White Mike say:  Yo Ho, Thaaam  would bang it fo shore!  Long and she don't mind he being double her age!!!!  Da bright side is he could teach her good oral and hygiene habits.  Teach her to not use her teeth.  Teach her the wristy twisty.  Teach her to shave da puss.  Teach her to swallow.  ALL da impotent shiznit.  Hell,  White Mike might even bang her after dat!!!!  We ship shape her right da f**k up!!!!  ZGHEA!!!!!!

WM

some dude from the dairy axes:  I gotz a question. Ya see this ceramic headed hoe (ya know the kind of biotch that uses Elmer's glue to fix her dew) was yappin' about some -itis bling that she gotz from yo guitar playa when anotha biotch comes and tells her that he usually pays upfront fo services. What she be yappin about??  Is that yo style? Does it work?!  If so, I needs to get me some of mah own bling to pass around. Shit, we all needz hoes.

White Mike say:  Yo negro...rule number 3:  Never use bling, bling to get ho's.  NEVA, mutha f**ka.  Cause if she be eyeing da bling, dat all she want.  She don't want you.  Once she get da bling, she blown...out da mutha f**kin' place.  ZGHEA!  The moral of da story:  If she clinging to the bling, bling; f**k her in da ass and kick her to da curb, Johnson!  

WM

Pammy axes:  Hey, White Mike!  My problem is  that my boyfriend likes the smell of your hair as much as I do, does that mean he's gay?  He also likes his ass sucked, f**ked, and licked as much as possible and he won't leave my bunghole alone either.  What should I do?  Love you bunches.......

White Mike say:  Yo Ho, I sees da problem clearly: he be a fecalpheliac.  He pro'lly had his share of da potent punaner and now he need a lil' sumtin xtras to get he pimp juice flowin'!  If you dig da dude, den White Mike say do what he want and shut ya cock hole, biotch.  Learn to like da ass f**ked. No one wants to hear yous complainin' you don't likes it.  He'll come quicker if you at least axe like yous likes it. I recommends shoving sumtin in ya puss or manipulatin' da clit at da same times.  If you can't hang you may needs to rub some shit on yo puss sos he'll fuck it too!  Peace.  Out...

WM

p.s. Your man is most likely homo

An -itis virgin axes:  Dear White Mike...Sex with my husband is boring....I love to doop, but he doesn't...How can I get him to doop me?  If he doesn't, should I find someone who will?

White Mike say:  Yo bung ho...sup!  First thang yous do is give yoself a enema and clean all that shitzizzle out da pizzle. Den puts some vanilla extract on da taint.  You know, taint da ass and taint da pussy!   Den shove yo ass in his face an tells him it's good enough to eat outta.   Da vanilla axes as a aroma neutralizer fo any left over smell from da enema.  If he don't f**k it den,  get a big dildo and f**ks it yoself, go find a mutha f**ka dat will f**k it or cum see White Mike: No ass should be denied a poundin'!!!!

Dirtnap axes:  listin beeach, this is Dirtnap chillin on the flip side. I have a Question you jive turkey motha-f**ka unkle Tom, the ho wants it in the dirty river. But I need to know is what your cure is for saber toof crotchcritters because I'll be damned if I give my bitch da iatch. Speek to me. Cause I'll be damned if I get out nigg by the nigg!!!!!!  Preach to me you white mother f**ker!

White Mike say:  Sup, my niggahs!!!!  I admire yous fo coming to White Mike wit dat problem!  I's got da cure very few negros knows 'bout.  Da saber toof crotchcritters is easily rectified by smoking a phat joint of hash and weed and getting dem niggahs stoned to da bejesus belt!  It makes da toofisis falls out an dey can't holds on no mo's. Dey can't find they way back neithers!  Dey easily wash off wit a malt liquor 40!  Trust me and you will not be out nigged by da nigg!

Out

WM

We Be -itis FREAKS from G.J. axe:  YO, MUTHAF**KA, WASSABI?  WAT ISM THA CRYTEERA FO GETSIN DEM MARDIS GRAS BEADS... LICKIN' DA POOTER  O LICKIN' DA NIPOL?  DAS ASO DA FLASHIN' OF DA SAC. WICH ISMZ IZ BES?

White Mike say:  Gots to lick da pooter or take a shot in da yap, homey!!!!!  

Peace

Out

Rev WM

Madhatter axes:  Yo, mutha f**ka, I had ta git jiggy wit dis word, yo know wut I'm sayen? But tell me sumthin', word, wut da f**k is a RUSTY TROMBONE?

White Mike say:  Dats when you f**k a ho in da puss when she on da rag, den you f**k her in da ass, den you let it dry witout cleanin it off, and den she blows you while holdin' yer balls wit da left hand and doin' da wristy-twisty with her right hand!  You gots a rusty tromBONE, biotch.

some dude from Nebraska axes:  Wut up, nigga?  Why are these funny mutha-f**kin' hairs growin' all over my body?

White Mike say:  Sup Negro? You cud be in baaaad shape, mutha f**ka!  How long dis been happnin' make da difference.  If it been happnin' for a little whiles now it be nuttin but a case o OSP withdrawl.  Dats "Oriental Shaved Pussy" withdrawl, (ASP, if ya wanna be politically correct).  No worries, Holmes.  It'a go away in a few months.  Til' then I be suggesting Epil Stop or Nair.  If it comes n goes an den comes again, you be suffrin' from niggititis...use lots a lotion.  If you had it fo a long time, you be a hairy, smelly mutha f**ka and you better stay aways from White Mike... knowz whut I'z sayin'?!?

an IDIOT axes:  Dear White Mike - I'm an idiot.  I'm in love with my former roommate.  Problem is she has a boyfriend she just moved in with.  In the past we've "fooled around," but with no actual penetration.  The song -itis plays "Waiting For You," describes the situation pretty well.  We still talk on the phone, but since we're not living together anymore I don't think I have a shot anymore.  What should I do White Mike? 

- Jerking off waiting for her 

White Mike say:  Sup slice...Yous gots problems, negro.... Shit.... SHIZZZZZNIT...... SHIZZZNIZZZLE my NIGGIZZLE.... Da best thang yous can do-izzle, is not to think bout dat ho when youz slizzle the lizzle....I want 2 months whilez you meditate on some other ho...or a bunch a other ho's....I don't care if you thank 'bout a animal!!!  Not that ex-roomate ho!!!!  She GONE, home slice!!!  Livin' wit another!!!  Sucking his dick Er'night... Swallowing his childrens like she poisoned and it be da CURE!!!!!  WhatEVER she tell you?,  is a lie.  Er heard a picture paints a thousand words?  Picture his cock in her yap and forget her.

MG axes:  Yo O.G. - I gotsa d'lema & I needz yor xporteas, pleez!  I gotsa ex thatz f**kin' wit mee, indirectally dat iz. Heez dun changd hiz muzical ntrests.  Hee'd talk shizit 'bout my muzic-now hee'z playin' it.  Hee'd talk shizit 'bout -itis & now hee'z hangin' witcha.  Hee'z mooved n2 da loco-scene & nowz I'z a memry 2 mize freakz.  Freakz datz B mize famlee-I thaut.  Hee'z so fake. Hee'd leeva partee ifin I B showin' up.  Mize freakz won't not nvite me over ifin hee'z beein' thare. My hartz braking, Reverend White, and itz hin mee. Shuud I'z jus drop bac 5 yds, punt & runzawae? Thare izent anee thang hear fo me no mo'. Pleez, B onnest wit mee, shuud I B moovin' on anaway? Thanx yo.  MG


White Mike say:  Yo!  Da key word in da entire question is:  ex..... Dat be meaning-no mo.  Get on wit ya sorry ass life!!!  Don't worry 'bout da ex...If he be fake, niggahs will find out...Yo famlee don't want to bez in da middlez, so day keep youz apart.  OK...If dey dissin' you totally,  dey ain't famlee!  Go smoke a phatty and chill fo while...WM

Av's fan axes:  Yo niggah, now dat Paddy Roy is no longer dissin' it wit da Av's, do you think dey still suck? Who's gonna clamp on da Lord Stanley in da 2003-2004 EN-H-ELL Season?  Az dey say here in da Av's cunt-tree...Red Wings Suck!  But yo, brutha, I haz lots of R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the Wingas! I still dis the f**kin' Stars!!!

White Mike say:  Sup, hockey puck! Paddy Roy is a big, fat, wife beatin', pussy ass, cracker ass cracker!!! Stay retired, you f**k. Hasek is back for da Wings along wit Derian Hatcher from da Stars!!! Wings by a landslide in 2003-2004. Av's miss playoffs entirely wit some other pussy in goal!!!  Hockey rules, niggaaaaaaaaaahs!!!!! 

T. Rex returns & axes:  Yo, what up, G?  Listen, bro, I done went out and gots me a date wit an angel, yo.  She is fine as fine can be.  How-evuh, she keep on saying we gonna go out, but when dat day come, she like don't call me or nuthin'.  What up wit dat?  Afterwards, she say dat sumtin' come up and it slipped her mind.  She had an awright X-cuse the first time, but did it to me again tonight, bro!  Should I kick dis chick to da curb and cast my line out into the sea of bitches again, or keep playin' mista nice guy in hopes of getting down them tight ass jeans of hers?  A playa gotsta play, but is it time I fold this hand?  Tell me whats ta do, White Mike.  Peace.  

White Mike say:  Niggah, she playing hard to git or she don't want what you gots!!!!  Either way,  move the fuck on, Holmes....

Rule number 1:  No matter how fine dat pussy is,  there's some muthah f**ka somewhere that's sick o' her shit!!!!!!  Kick her ass to da curb and go gets high wit da band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rev WM

some dude at a gig axes:  Dear White Mike, being da red blooded American dat I is, nex time I's f**kin' da bitch up da ass I wants her ta say in French, "f**k me up da ass hard an' deep, yo little white boy!"  Can you teach her how to say dat?
p.s.  Russian or German would bees ok, too.

White Mike say:  Sup homey?  Zghea,  White Mike know how to translate dat for yous: 

"Baisez-moi vers le haut de l'âne dur et profondément vous petit garçon blanc.....Mutha F**ka...Uh!

 T-Rex axes:  Yo White Mike,  My bizitch just up n' left me, dog.  We'd been known this thang bin comin' for a while now, G, but now I gots ta go get me some pussy somewheres else, ya dig?  My question be, what's a homey gots ta say to a bitch to get her to romp in the sack?  I ain't down wit all dat cumitmint shit nomores, nowhamseyin?  I's jus want da pussy.  Rev White, I no's you cans help me.  Peace my muddaf**ckin' cawkayzian Negro.    

White Mike say:  Yo, Negro,  alls yous gots to do's is be a straight up niggah and it'll be ok!  Tell da biotch what you just told me.  No ball and chain, biotch.  Just do the humpty dance and get the f**k OUT!  Dat way they no misunderstandins and will axeually gain you some respect fo being honest!  Report back wit da results, homey.

WM

Airsick guys ax:  Yo, Whike Might, have you ever used that big rubber dick 'O yours on Marks "MANGINA"? PS. Is Craig BI-SEXUAL?

White Mike say:  Sup from da ol Sup boyeeeez! ZGHEA!  You KNOW White Mike be bringin' da phat dildo ALL da mutha f**kin' time.  But, it's be reserved fo da ho's.  Mark's be my bitch.  I gots specialties fo dat. Oh, and Craiger be gay, but he ain't no homo.  Know what I'm sayin', G?  ZGHEA!  Peace Out. WM

Lil' Tamhoe axes:  What do U tell your man you're f**kin' with that his ass stinks? I mean she says she wants ta puke...EEEUUUUUUUU...she tries to change positions but ends up back sniffin' stank ass if y aknow what I mean. But, she rezally likes f**kin' dis dude. So, how does she tell him his ass stinks, without him gettin' mad???

White Mike say:  Sup G?  Just tell da nigga straight da f**k up.  Best way to tell him is say "Nigga,  I'd lick dat ass if ya shaved, wiped n washed it once in a whiles."  Homey be in da shower so fast he have rug burns on he feet.  Er'body like dey salad tossed!  WM

a Massachusetts friend axes:  I have these little gray bumps on my penis. When I pick them off and eat them, they make me hallucinate. Is this normal?

White Mike say:  You be f**kin' a frog or some shit?  I heard 'bout dat shiznit.  Consider ya self abnormal but lucky you ain't gotta pay to gets high!  Grow ya own, bruthum, grow your own.

Tamhoe axes:  Do you believe in ebony & ivory?
  
White Mike say:  Dear Tami ho,  Zghea!!!   WM

Beckelheimer's bud axes (which scratchin' & itchin'):  Yo, Homey. I was at the Gardens Saturday night, and there was this loud skanky ho sitting at the bar. I went to get a drink for my biotch, and the critters was jumping off this ho. I'm afraid these critters may have got on me. How I gonna make sure I don't get no critters on my biotch?

  
White Mike say:  T'sup, cracker.  Da shit dat biotch/crack ho got can't be gotten rids of.  Best thang to do is make sure your biotch shaves dat pussy hair cleans off.  Dey like to nest in da nappy dugout.  Den throw the biotch in a tub with Calamine lotion, rubbin' alcohols, witches hazel, nutmeg, hazelnut and some worms.  Dat should do it. 

WM

p.s. after the tub, her ass should be ready for doopin', too!

some redhead axes:  So, how do you deal with the fact that you almost acted like a lesbian with a girl that looks like Gwen Stephanie, but the set was almost over and you ran out of time and you were just standing there at the stage lookin' like an idiot in front of the entire bar?
  
White Mike say:  Wut up, biotch?  Anytime you acts like or DO lesbian thangs, you ain't no idiot!!!  You qualify to be one o' White Mike's bitches and ho's!!!!!  Now go eat some pussy, ho!!!

14-year-old axes again:  Hey, my late answering brother, it took U forever to answer my last e-mail. Well, anywayz, right after I wrote U last time the Cops showed up at the door to the place I was using to send u the e-mail, so I didn't answer the door.  So, I waited for them to leave then went through a bunch of bulls**t and finally turned myself in. Now, I'm living in this house temporarily and I am looking for someone to take guardianship of me. Oh, and to answer your question, the house manager at the group home went insane and started throwin' kids to the ground. That's why I ran away.  Well, I just need someone to take care of me.  I just figured I'd let U know how things have turned out.

 White Mike say:  Sup, my brother from another Mother?  Glad you wrote back to keep White Mike up on the shiznit.  White Mike care.  Believe in yo self, homey.  Good thangs will come to you.  Where you is?  You gonna make da Kids show on da 18th?

14-year-old axes:  Hey wassup my nigga?  Well anyways, you guys are the greatest and I was that kid that asked why you didn't have more kid shows.  But, besides the fact that you guys are the greatest, I'ive got some serious problems.  My first is that I'm runnin' from the cops because I ran away from an abusive group home.  And the reason why I was in the group home was I had an abusive father so now I'm livin' on the street at 14 years old and I always have to look over my shoulder.  What can I do? 

White Mike say:  Whassup, mo fo?  You be livin' in the streets, and you still gets da internet?  Damn, times done changed since I was livin' in da streets.  Anywayz, if u b serious n shiznit, I'd ask how da group home abusing yo ass?  If it's straight up discipline,  yo ass needs dat shit.  E'rbody know.  Even White Mike's bitches n ho's need a right upside da head to keep em in line.  But if dey doing fucked up shiznit,  White Mike come down there with a pimp mobile full o niggahs ready to straighten dem niggahs out.  Otherwise homey,  you gonna be putting da man mouth on da mushroom to keep alive.  Know what I'm saying, G?  

Peace Out, WM

Jamal axes:  Yo, White Mike, if my bitch don't know how to shave south of the border, how's a nigga supposed to eat pussy without getting a hair stuck in my one gold tooth, nigga?  Should I tell her to shave that camel toe? or should I just be content with getting a ho on the street with my bling bling?  Please help a fella nigga out, cause ya know we all brothas.  know what I'm saying bro .     Thanks bro……

White Mike say:  Sup Niggah!  Da biotch better be shavin that thang.  If da ho want da plane to land,  she better clear da runway!  Shave da bush, biotches.  No niggah wanna taste ya piss.  Tired a picking toilet paper out ya pussy hair before I licks it.  Kinda kills da moment, ho. You know what I'm saying "G"?  Now, gettin' a ho on da side wit da bling ain't outta da question, Slice! Sound like a plan to White Mike.

Peace Out

Captain Masturbator axes:  Yo White Mike, ya see, I got this problem with my manhood.   It's bent about 45 up and 30 right.   Is there a problem there?  Also, in the last few weeks small darkened patches have been appearing on the head of it.  Do I have some sort of VD or is it natural?...and what the hell is up with my penis being bent?   Can that be caused by too much masturbation?  And about masturbation...is 10 times a day too much?  Well anywayz, you're help would be greatly appreciated.

White Mike say:  Yo, Captain Masturbator, 'sup?  Da bentness of da unit should not be a prob.  Yo, it axually should be using that freak snake to you advantage.  If yous bang her from da scissors position (consult da Kama Sutra, fool) you be slammin' away at da G spot, G!  No sweat off you and she's cumming like a covey of quail!  

Now unless you been getting head from a bitch using her chicklets or yous do some wacky shit when you whack it, yous go get dat AIDS on you Johnson checked out, niggah.  Dat don't sound right.

WM

Weird Al axes:  Why do you have 13 lines of disclaimers?  Isn't White Mike's advice any good?

White Mike say:  Cause niggahs will sue you man.  Did you check out Miss Cleo? Niggahs will smoke crack and then sue the makers of da tin foil they smoked it off cause it cause dem dain bramage.  Gotsta protect my shiznit home slice.  

Peace out, WM

Sweet E axes:  Dear Rev WM...Since it's the holiday season and all, I have a question that's been troubling me for quite some time now.  Every year my parents have this huge bowl of nuts on the table, you know the kind that you can crack yourself. The bowl has all kinds of nuts from walnuts to almonds, but there is one kind of nut that is giving the family trouble. We have always called these nuts "nigger toes". In this day and age, I feel that it is no longer politically correct to call 'em Nigger Toes anymore and wanted to know if we should call them "black toes"...or "colored toes"....or should we call them "African American Toes"? 

Sincerely,
Sweet E
  
P.S.....Speaking of toes, those are some sexy ass toes I clicked on to enter this site....I think those are Sweet E's rollerskatin' goat penis toes.

White Mike say:  Yo, bro.  I knows what ya's sayin', G.  Kill Whitey!!!  My advice is if they keep calling it a nut "cracker",  it's ok to call it a "niggah" toe!  

Peace, out, home slice

Rev WM

Da Screws ax:  'Sup Niggah, I gots a problem wit my hoopdie. We puts an '85 Chevy Astro minivan on a 4x4 Blazer chassis, and we's havin' a bioch of a time fingerin' out how to hook up the steerin' an shit. Whats do the Honorable Rev. White Mike suggests we do? 

Da Screws...........YEAH!!!

White Mike say:  My mutha f**kin' homeys from Mexington!! ZGHEA! Y'all mutha f**kas need a different perspective on ya problem. My advice is to smoke some kind and put ya f**kin' big ass heads together and you will find the answer......I prizomise! Uh!

Slingblade axes more:  Listen up, Nigga, I was doopin' dis biotch da udder day, and gots my wee wee hung up in her poop chute.  Do I needs to use mo corn huskers, or what?  Do you ever gots dat prolum?  I figgered it might help if she might be menstratin'.  Do da red river be hepin' out? Do you gots yo red wings?

White Mike say:  Musta been a tight ass ass to get hung up in it huh homey!!! ZGHEA. I prefer maple syrup myself. Never had dat problem. KY gel works good, too!!! WM has ALL his wings, negro. Couldn't be Rev if i dizidn't!
Rev WM

Slingblade axes:  White Mike, I gots a quexshun.  Has you ever had a bioch dat was so wallered out dat when you be penatratin' from da back doh, you slips out and hits da slop trough up front?  Whut up wit dat?  I did,and it caught air and f**kin' pussy farted on me.  I thought I wuz f**kin' a five gallon bucket o' mayonnaise.  Do you be gittin' dem pussy farters?  Do dis ho be wallered out or whut?  I figgered dat been fucked up as a soup sandwich.  Or fucked up as a football bat. Whut yo take on da sichyashun?

White Mike say:  Yo, negro!  It's been my experience dat wimen dat have had flesh trophies tend to pussy fart at a rate of 85 percentile points higher den da trophy-less counterpizarts! Start bangin' the childless! Uh!

Rev WM

Jone & Jerry ax:  Yo, muthaf**ka when ya's gonna pay me to sucthebodyofmike? Afta all I is the bitch the hoe and guess what, I does pay my rent so give me the dollaa f**k the fify cent. luvtofuckya the hoe Joan happy sucken new year y'all Jone and Jerry

White Mike say:  Uh...Zghea!

Brickhouse axes:  Hey Mikey, here's a question for you.  Is there such a thing as "coming" too much, or just being too wet?  My guy does not think so, but I would really like your opinion on this matter. Also, what about chic on chic action? Thanks for the information.

White Mike say:  Whassup, biotch?  No such thang as cumming too much or being too wet (unless da bitches pussy too big or da cock too small and it keep sliding out all da time).  Matter o' fact, if it's too wet den it ain't getting fucked enough!  You gotsta wear da punaner out, biotch! They definitely ain't nuttin' wrong wit a little bush on bush action. White Mike actually prefers it. Got any pics of you licking pussy?
Peace, out WM

Nosterassmas axes:  Hello Honorable Reverend White Mike, Anyway If I go to your show, will I find a gorgeous green eyed brunette about 120lbs 5"6 to 5"8 who's not motivated to go home with me purely for the sake of putting me in jail or some other hateful act? This would be in the near  future, say Halloween evening. I already purchased condom's; and if she's really good looking, I'll take her out to Perkin's instead of White castle. And try not to moan so loud when I'm thinking of a grandma, so I don't drop my load so quick. And yes I washed the sheets. That is only a yogurt stain! See you there beautiful.  And is that silly "itis" band opening for you again?

White Mike say:  Sorry for the delay in my response homey....Busy wit da biotches....Uh!  The answer is:  NO, you will not find a green eyed brunette that you be lookin' fo'.  Why? you may axe?  Cause she don't EXIST mo fo!!!!  You should be taking what yous can get and kickin em to da curb afterwards!!!  Don't be passin up oppourtunities cause you be hangin for dat one HO!  Dat be a PIPE DREAM, Holmes!  And dat pipe will be firmly in yo ass!!!!  

Sincerely, White

Soldier in Kosovo axes:  Yo Mike I got this question for yas...

   Youz see I got this little problem, and it goes like this:  I'm a solider for the United States Army, and a good friend of the band. Right now I'm deployed in Kosovo, and my -itis CDs came up missing... that's right, missing.  And if you ax me, that's whacked. So my question is...what are we gonna do about it?  (Anything is better than having to listen to the same old shit day in and day out) Oh yeah... and if you would, if you ever see that fat bitch I was with at the Gardens about a year ago, introduce her to the Slapahoe Initiation rite of passage (with a lead pipe!)  Thanks buddy... I don't think you'll let me down.

White Mike say:  Yo, whassup!!!!  Keeping da peace fo us niggas back home!  You be a'ight!!!  No worries on the CD's.  Stealing is fo punk ass bitches.  I will replace da -itis CDs no problemo.  Far as dat fat ass bitch,  she look like someone already smacked her upside her ASS cause it's 3 times the size since yous seen it.  The back o her neck look like a pack a ball park FRANKS!!!!!  She on the down n out, Holmes.  Don't u b worrying 'bout dat!!!!  White Mike be all over it like Blue Bonnet!!!

U B safe, homey, so's you can come back and rock out wit us!!!

WM

Katt axes:  What's the easiest way to "train" the man I live with?  He's housebroken, but still a slob...help.

White Mike say:  What up ho? Dat be easy n shit. You's got all da cards.  PUSSY!  Dats right.  If he don't clean up, he get no pussy.  Dat trash be piling up?  No blow jobs.  His dirty ass, stinkin' clothes wreaking up the whole damn house?  No ass f**kin'.  His hygiene being bad? No kissin' or lickin' his balls or ass!  Dat mutha fucka be like Felix Unger n shit....FAST!!!!! It's all about the pussy, baby.......use it.
 

Katt axes again:  Okay, for the normal ho that would work.  But, I got to have that freaky s**t. I can't live without it. So, since I canNOT hold out on the pussy...what? Should I just accept that I live with a slob that can f**k? 


White Mike say again:  Zghea baby...dat be about it.....Better than havin' a slob that can't f**k or a neat one that can't f**k. Count ya blessin's and hire a maid! ZGHEA!!!!!

Mr. El Paso axes:  White Mike...talked to you once in the Springs.  What should be the most important thing in a person's life?  My wife says "sex."  I say it's loud, hard rock.  We have plenty of sex, once in the Gardens bathroom...but that's another story.  We seek the oracle of truth, that is White Mike.

White Mike say:  I gots to agree wit da boths of yas. Seeing as how most of da songs written is 'bout bitches and ho's, and love... dey might not be music if it wasn't for sex. Dirty, nasty, makin' her do shit she don't wanna do SEX!!!  ZGHEA!!! On da other hand, lots of us niggas get laid because of music. White Mike get laid all da time cause he in a band!  Music can also set da mood for da bitch to let it go and give it up, too. Plus when yous get yo groove on you can blast dat music loud so noone can hear her scream when yous shove it in her ass!!!! Zgheeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! 

Some Kid axes:  Why don't you play more kids' shows?

White Mike say:  We do 'em when we can, G, but we's be busy mutha f**kas wit all da travlin' and playin' and bangin' ho's. We's works 'em in when we's can.  Now back da fuck off and let a playa play!!!

Some Foo' axes:  What cha think about the freak of the week, who doesn't miss a BEAT!!!?

White Mike say:  Huh?

Cheap Lover axes:  Da Price Of Love?  Ah bin a bit confused.  Be it twelve fiddy, O be it sebenteen fiddy?  Edumacate da masses to da point!!!!!!!

White Mike say:  Sup! Da price of love is easy. It's one year's salary. Period. Cause within a year's salary da man will know all her stupid ass problems and issues and complaints and on and on and f**kin' on. He'll think to himself if he wants to RE-UP on da biotch.  He'll weigh da price o da bitchs love.  Dat is da defining moment, when he realizes how much he spent on dis bitch!  It's usually one year's salary! For da wimens it's da same. She's done met all his stupid friends, met his dumb ass family, fought wit his ex girlfriend, had an abortion and swallowed a ton a cum. She do da same thang. Is dis nigga worth all that? Dat's usually after she's had about a year's salary spent on her. Dat mutha f**ka is da price o' love! 

V-Peein all over himself axes:  Now sat I be a VP in da company, do dat mean I sold my shit out on my po homeys?  An do I need one mo biatch, or mebbe jus da suckratary?

White Mike say:  Well G, it don't matter how yous got dere.  It matters what yous do when yous get dere.  Know what I'm sayin', G?  Zghea!  You should help out some o yo homeys.  If I's you I'd kill 2 niggas wit one stone and get me a couple a ho's from da ol neighborhood and move em on up!!!!  Help a nigga out and yous get some benefits, too!!!!  ZGHEA!

Crazy J axes:  White white Mike whos column be mutha F*ckin tight and make me laugh all night, hows it hangin' homey? Yo, I beez a mutha-F**kin' muzishin-n-shit and some of the uver niggas in da group don't be learnin' da shit we need be playin', G!!!  I step to 'em about it n they be trippin'. I say " yo, you Bitch ass buck tooth brain dead Mutha f**kas, why I be learnin' that AC/DC song N you ain't, bitch?"  They be makin' up stupid bitch ass excuses.  I think they be stickin' the pinky in da mutha f**kin' brown eye, Dog!!! Youz be a muzishin in a dope band that's da fuckin' bomb. What'z yo take on this retarded shit? Should I drop theses fools or sabotage their fuckin' gear?    Peace, Crazy J

White Mike say:  Yo homey. I be straight up wit dis question. If da niggas in yo band can't learn a AC/DC cover in a few mutha f**kin' seconds, I don't be callin' dem musicians. Drop da posers and get some straight niggas dat wanna play! 

Peace

Wyman D. axes:  Yo White, I got this hanging chair that also spins, my problem is the moth*r Fricken ceiling is to dam low, by the time we get the dam chair all wound and ready to get into it, it's still hanging too low to the flo . What I gotta do dig a hole under the chair ?  I've thought about using one of those car engine lifter things but she won't do it in the driveway and it won't fit in the house. I'll be at Joe's in July both weekends if you have any experience in this to help me.  thanx, Wyman D.  out.

White Mike say:  What up, homey?  I be apologizing for the delay in my answer but I's been thinking bout dis.  Shorten the mutha f**kin' rope or chain dat da chair be hangin from.  If dat don't work yous either need a new chair or a new bitch.  If yous got to get off by her bangin yous from a hangin mutha f**kin' chair,  den da ho ain't doing da basics correctly.  Send me her photo  (a recent one, mutha f**ka) and White Mike will consider training her on da basics!  Peace.  Out.

Mrs. BECKelHeimerShmitdzit axes:  White Mikey White Mikey, how does your garden grow?  Yo Bro - I got the 411 that yous growin' yo own foodage.  How does it go with da heat and da drought?  I gots me some o dat 'matos and hot peppas and cool peppas and some groovy herbs......and it seems I water water water......do's you gots any o dat stuff that grow better dan others?  Peas out, bro...

White Mike say:  Whassup, ho? My garden be growing like a mutha f**ka.  Done ate some greens out da mutha f**ka already.  Matter o fact,  I'm having a Caesar mutha f**kin' salad tonight!  First off,  Yous got to plant in da right place and yous got to turn da ground over and fertilize, fertilize, fertilize.  White Mike LOVE to "fertilize" things....yeah....Den water the mutha f**kas at night or very early so da sun don't suck dat water right up.  Lettuce, broccoli, tomatoes, peppers, carrots all do well here in da elevation.  Stay away from cauliflower.  Oh yeah,  if ya gets some bugs,  sprinkle some Sevin dust on em.  Da last thing is:  Ya got to ho da garden...Ho!

Ryan axes:  Hey, White Mike, if a chick has her period in the ocean, will sharks eat her?

White Mike say:  Well, homey, White Mike will eat a pussy while she's on da rag, so I thinks a shark would have noooooooo problem tearing dat thang up.

Officer Smitty axes:  Now that I’m part of the Po Po does that mean I’m "keeping you down" and "standing on your neck"?

White Mike say:  No, baby...You my homey on da inside!!!!  You gives me da dirt and help keep da White Mike Foundation goin'... we’s all cool.  It’s all good. Da fools dat work wit you still be chapping White Mike hide, dough.  Keep dem mutha f**kas off me, G.

Someone axes:  Waz up, muthaf**ka?  I needs to ax you a question.  I go to have a one night stand with dis mutha and he ain't got no dick.  So, i gotz up and left his ass right there on da bed.  I think dat’s real, or does it make me f**ked up?  Let me no, yo!

White Mike say:  No, dat make you homo.

JD Crazy axes:

White Mike, my mutha-f**kin nigga, whats poppin’, G? I gots a problem wit bitch ass, retarded, macho, little dick, redneck mutha f**kas talkin’ shit and dartin’ off cuz I gots long hair an’ shit. I’m gettin sick o’ these little punk ass bitches, G!!!!!!! I’m ‘bout ta pop a cap in a mutha f**kas ass. I aint frontin’ in nobody’s biznis. I ain’t startin’ no shit wit no one. But these muthas f**kin’ poo butt punk ass bitches is trippin’ cause a how I be lookin’ an’ shit. What be yo advice fo this shiznit?? Aside from poppin’ some caps or stickin’ my foot in a mutha f**kas ass. Thats my word , peace out homey!

White Mike say:  Peace up, nigga. You right.  I’m wit ya homey.  Nuttin' yous can do bout niggas like dat....Dey be trippin an shit....Dey ain’t be worth da cap dat you bust in him....Best thing you can do is bang his ho....Dats right, G....F**k her ass and make her blow you after....Give her the Filthy Sanchez....Donkey punch...Give it ALL to her, mutha f**ka....After dat, everytime you see dat punk ass...you be thinkin'..."How my ass taste?....how my cock taste, G?"...Now don’t dat sound better than gettin' YO ass f**ked in jail, negro? ZGHEA!

Kent Smith axes:  Dear Mr. Mike.  I think I would really enjoy your column if I could only uderstand your "lingo". Would you translate some phrases please?

1. Hi, my name is Kent, pleased to meet you.

Yo G what up? My homies call me White!

2. Nice weather we have today.

Dis be some bitch bonin' day we be having.

3. White Mike, I have a problem. Could you be of assistance?

Yo White Mike, I needs you 411 on dis here matter.

4. My dear wife just left me for a more "blessed" man.

My ho dissed me for some asshole.

5. Your orchestra just swings, when can I see you quartet again?

Yo bitch, you got it going on and White Mike needs some o dat potent punaner...pronto....ho.

Some words I have read in your page I’d like you to shine some light on:

1. Fool...any punk ass dat like Kid Rock

2. M*tha’fu**a’...Can be used as an adjective, verb, noun, adverb, punctuation, exclamation, run-on sentences, conjunction junctions, semi-colons and any mutha f**kin thing yous want.

3."G"...Gangster...One of yo crew....A homie....a mutha f**ka....Zghea....Uh...

4. Biotch (Is that some kind of "dog" perhaps)?...A ho....A homie ho...A bitch...A retarded slut lesbian whore...A good ho...a bad ho...

5. Shibiznibitchhis (Not sure how that word was spelled, or if there were others that read similar). See answer 4.

I thank you for any help. I could then join the conversation topics & follow the events correctly.  I also understand if you will be slightly delayed in your response, you seem to be a very popular fellow.

Sincerely—Kent Smth

White Mike say:  (all White Mike answers are in RED above)

Somebody axes:  I saw a video of a girl getting fucked by a big horse. Do you have any plans for that in your show?

White Mike say:  Zghea, G. We’s got Peter Dragon. He hung like a horse. He prick arrive bout 15 minutes after he do. Gotta find a ho, doh....You pimping?

Some Swiss Guy axes:  Yo White Mike, I want to know a couple of things. Been lately in a sex shop in Amsterdam and been fired cauz I asked for some pornbooks with handicapped people fucking each other and also retards lickin’ their asses. What’s wrong with me White Mike? Am I homey or something like that? Should I buy a Playstation and quit all the porn stuff ? Or should I reconvert myself and organize a group sex orgy with the guys of -itis ????

White Mike say:  Yo mutha fucka. You talking to da right man, G. You a’ight wit White Mike. Yous can get da handicapped ones easy. All yous gots to do is wheel em to da car, mutha f**ka. No niggas wants to get busy wit dem hos so who da man gonna believe? Retards are like dogs. Dey do whatever you mutha f**kin’ tell em to do and do it wit ENTHUSIASM!!! Slobbering all over ya johnson an shisnit! I had one tard dat slobber like a Saint Bernard. Couldn’t even tell when I came dere was so much.
Now, White Mike like to be one on a half. Just me and the cripple or da one I needs da ripple fo...So no orgies...Keep yo sick ass to yoself...G

Confused again axes:  I read a lot earlier that cotton comes from sheep.  Is wool & cotton the same thing?

White Mike say:  Whassup, my mutha f**kin' Swede bro. Dey is easily confused but dey ain't the same thing.  Wool grow on a sheep, cotton grow on a stick!  You know what I'm saying, "G"! 

Heather & Ayngel ax:  Ok, White Mikey, get with the other men and take a poll, we got a hard one for ya.'

The issue is "squirting" when a women climaxes when the tongue is in her pussy.  Can you tell us how many women you men have encountered that "squirt"?  Now, I don't mean just "get wet", but squirt.  I have talked to several women about this and have learned that it is rare thing.

Do men like the squirting in the face?  One of my friends, (the only squirter I know) tells me that she "soaks the bed", & "it comes out in buckets like she's peeing."  Another girl, my friend knows, says that her pussy moves and squirts it out like bullets!

Are we depriving men we've had sex with because we're non-squirters? I mean, I can orgasm like 10 times in a time span of 3 hours if the sex is good, but I don't wet the sheets unless it's with sweat!

So?  You know?

White Mike say:  Listen up, Ho's. White Mike is very experienced in these here mattas. Outta all da bitches and hos White Mike been wit, only ONE, dats right, ONE, has been a squirting ho.  White Mike ain't like it.  First thought popped into his head was, "Dis mutha f**ka could be a transexual, White Mike, and he just cum all over you face". 

I mean, I ain't never had dat shisnit b4 or after so it wa like a bell ringer.  Shook o'l White Mike up.  NAW.  Dat shisnit ain't tight.  Now, White Mike be liking dat you could cum 10 times in 3 hours.  Dat be interesting White Mike tremendously.  You wanna get wit White Mike, ho? You needs to represent youself to White Mike next time you there, A'ight?  I needs to see a bitch dats in heat and could cum like a covey o quail! You ain't depriving nobody, baby.  You making up for some frigid ho's.

Unsatisfied in AZ axes:  Hey, I saw you guys for the first time at Joe's Grotto in March, and you're my new fav band!  But my question is, how do I dump a really sweet guy?  He's super nice, but has no dick!  Thanks.

White Mike say:  Why you bitches always gotta play games?  Huh?  White Mike tired. Just tell da mutha f**ka you seen more pecker on a new born pup and get on with you bad self.  Dey is other options if you like the homey.  You could get toys dat could make you cum (If used correctly) like never before.  Course it sounds like homey ain't got the intelligence or utensils to utilize dem.  Den you REALLY don't need his white ass.  Dump that zero and get yourself a HERO, baby!  Be straight up.  No bullshit.  Den give him the number for the penile enlargement center. He in trouble.

Tyrone axes:  When I wud 21, I found out that "mutha" was a word by itself.  When 
I wud 25, I found out Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt got on Mt. 
Rushmore because they was the last white boys wit those names.  Now some 
muthaf**ka is tryin to tell me I don't need to end my sentences wit "an 
shit" but I don' believe him.  White Mike, I needa know what to tell that 
homey on tonight.  You da pimp, muthaf**ka!

White Mike say:  Huh?

Lonely in Faribault axes:  Why doesn't he call me at all?  Sometimes I see him at the Northstar bar, but he has only called me once. Lonely in Faribault- What should I do?

White Mike say:  Listen up, Ho. You obviously ain't got his attention da ways you want.  You gots to be more slutty and direct.  Tell him you want to suck his cock and then go home.  If dat don't work, then yous must be too fat or too ugly, 'cause every man want his cock sucked and to fall out after!  Only natural, Montel.  Erbody know. 

Confused axes:  White Mike, where does wool come from?

White Mike say:  Mutha F**ka... Erbody know.....Wool come from a sheep, YO... ZGHEEAA...UH....Dats right....WM a walking encyclopedia.....

Slingblade axes:  Yo, G, what the f**k is all this pineapple shit about?

White Mike say:  Yo, G.  Pineapple make cum taste good.  So all you bitches and hos ain't got no excuse to not swallow yo childrens.  Now "Go Get Some Head".  

Probiscus Phalus axes:  My fly nubian brother, I gots this problem with my new ho.  Every time we be gettin' it on she leaves me so bruised up, I can't pick out the rest o' my harem.  The only totally whacked shiot is she leave bruises on my clinton from suckin' so hard, and I can't doop her 'cause my shaft is so blue with bruises.  Whats a brother gonna do?

White Mike say:  Mutha F**ka, yous gots some problems, but White Mike is here wit da straight dope.  First up, is da bitch is trying to leave her mutha f**kin tracks on you, G!  Consciously trying to fuck up yo shit wit da other ho's!  Tell dat bitch dat she better back the f**k off sos a pimp can get his jones on.  Shit, let a playa play.  You in charge, G.  Dats what I be tellin you.  She suckin' it too hard, tell da bitch to lighten up or she don't get no pussy lickin' and she don't get no booty bangin' neither.  Fuck dat ho.  If dat don't work, smack her upside her head.  Bitches ALWAYS understand dat!!!  Promise ya homey. 

D420 axes:  well hello there...I hope you can help me, I really need advice.  My family is falling apart while here I am trying to make a go at getting on my own two feet.  My parents yet again woke me up with their fighting.  My lil brother just went to rehab last night for heroine addiction.  My other brother is growing more and more depressed, and I am hanging on to what's left of my sanity.  And believe me, there is not much left.  Well if you have any advice, I would love to here it.  Thanks see you, soon---later...

White Mike say:  Yo, Ho, what up?  You gots some serious shiznit goin' on dat White Mike can relates to.  I had parents that argued all the time.  My Momma and any guy she was wit used to fight all the time.  I used to cry myself to sleep wit my pillow over my head.  My one brother from another mother was a addict.  So yous might be axin' "what did you do, White Mike?"  Well, I got me a PHD (Pimpin' Ho Degree) and got the f**k out da house!  It better to live in a rented room or a flat o yo own.  Gots to get away from da negative so yous can be positive and not have to be justifying it and shiznit.  You should only worry about yourself and your life and stop trying to fix everybody elses shiznit.  You have no control.  Stop trying to control it and accept da shiznit that be.  Dey you family, but dat don't mean you responsible for dey happiness and shit.  Know what I'm saying?  Write me back and let me know what up.

B-man axes:  first of all, WHITE MIKE ROCKS!!!!!!! now to the ???  Mike, I seem to be having a lot of trouble with -itis withdrawals!!!!!!  This band comes up to play for us in Brainerd once every three months or so, and I have to say, I think of them more like family than anyone else I know! ( even family! ) Shiiiit!! uh!! come on!!  Anyway, they did come up to my home town a few weeks ago for a brief stay for 2 days, and an even briefer supper with the wife and I. ( lasagna! ) Yum!  Oh, and I am having lasagna withdrawals, also!  What was I saying again??  Oh yeah, the withdrawals.  So, I was wondering what you would suggest I do for this problem?  I keep listening to their CDs but it just makes me want to see them even more.   P.S. Buck says "hey! freaks!!!!!"

White Mike say:  It's only natural to have -itis withdrawals G.  Take a chill pill, listen to da CDs, whack off and the withdrawals go all away.  At least for a time.  When dey creep up, do it again.  Soon, you will be tired and you will sleeps it off, G.  If dat don't work, try some crack. Dat usually take whatever on yo mind off it! Uh...Zghea...

Chairman of da Non-Workers Guild axes:  Yo, White Mike...First off man I gots to give up sum mad love fo da pafomance at da Izox. Tight shizneezeit!  But I juz gots to know man, how do you keep yo fro so volumous and dandruff free?  Mine be lookin like Buckwheat comin' back from da cotton field after a downpo.  Fo realz.  Is dey anytang at da neighbahood sto dat will save my fro from despair?  And maybe sumptin that'll help me to get dat gong sound goin on too... I know, I know... dat's a tough one cuz, "It ain't easy bein greazy, fo SHEEZY!"  It's an impas.. impoz.. yo G it be hard to big up to da G erybody know as White Mike.. sos I be axin' my mento, my fatha figya fo some duly needed assistance.  Aight, then. Peace out, mah nizzle, and may da beeitches and hos smile upon you... or on you... erybody know!  ZGHYEAH!!  E PLURIBUS AFRONIUS  In White Mike We Trust. fo SHEEZY!

White Mike say:  Yo, G!  First off, e'ry natural be different.  Curl Up by Aveda may work fo White Mike but be bad for you!  You gots to experiment.  If you hair is thick and volumous like White, den try Z Up Da Nigga by Vo5.  If it's medium and not as thick, try Stop The Fro from Falling by Polo.  If it thin and just hangin' off ya head like a mop, den try Gerri Curl mutha f**ka cause you ain't got no fro, G!  Oh, you could try Nigga Need a Fro Quick by Vo5, too, but it don't last long.  Hope it help, G.

Chip axes:  I wuz chillin' wit budz, drinking malt lick-her (DAMN STRAIT!) at the Pop's D uddaday when some dumbass punk thought dat he shud take an steal some fine -itis t-shirts. What a homo dumbass wit belz on, bra!  Did you or yo bruthas take his narrow punk ass out back and play his haid like a friggin' tamb-o-reen?  Goot ting that boy BJ at Pops was hangin' wit Fridge, so he cood run that f**ko down and keep da profits wit White Mike!  I bet you took that smoka to da hay-ouse like a mofo...squared.   Rock on, from someone really white. Not just white, but pearly.

White Mike say:  Props be to BJ.  I ain't talking bout no Ho neither mutha f**kas.  BJ stopped da stealing.  Caught da punk ass red handed.  Big up to BJ.  Somebody get da nigga a table dance!  White Mike get you back next time, G.  We ain't work him over but we did get money out da tight ass cracker.  So he overpaid me for something he was gonna steal.  Dat ain't stealing.  Dat is good binis and I be a bisnis man.  ZGHEA.  Peace out

Private Art axes:  Dear Mr. Mike...Is it ok to steal?  At a recent -itis show in Sauget, IL, I was so moved by their performance of love songs that I decided to stuff their entire collection of memorabilia in my trousers. (There is alot of room down there, I am sad to report.)  Soon afterward, I was jumped by some fellows in red shirts, where they
proceeded to find, and stomp on, my genatalia.  Then the singer with bad hair called me nasty, hurtful things.  You see, I am in the military, and can't afford the finer things in life.  Sure, I have no one to blame but myself for my career choice.  It was made not because I want to serve my country; but out of an overwhelming yearning to shower with men.  Speaking of, what are the chances of playing "hide the Ivory" with the drummer with the short hair?

White Mike say:  Mutha F**kas!  They is god...er I mean good... stealing and den they is bad stealing.  Bad stealing is when you take something from somebody without they knowing about it. Dat shiznit ain't right.  Now if you tell a mutha f**ka what you want or ax them for it and they give it to you, that's ok.  Dat good stealing.  You could even promise dem somethin' in return but never give it up.  Dat ain't stealing.  Dat's cheating em outta it.  Dat's ok.  Dat should straighten you out...'cept for dat homo shiznit bout da soap wit da drumma....fag

Caught In Midwipe axes:  Yo G, my biotch loves to listen to me go poo! Da bitch gets wet when she hears the splashdown of da U.. Hershey....  Does I need to put the biotch in therapy? Just axin'...........

White Mike say:  Mutha F**ka, don't be so judging an' shit.  We's all just animals.  Dogs sniff each others ass.  Don't hurt them, do it?  You shouldn't give a flyin' fizznuck what get her pink wet, just dat it get wet in da first place!  Damn, homey, she like it dat much she might just lick the brown round!!!  Nuttin' wrong wit dat!!! In other words, G, look on da shiny side o' tings.     Zghea!!

Kassie axes:  White Mike, as we already know -ITIS ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  But what I want to know is what is your favorite food (besides lasagne)?
P.S.  Thanks for coming to the frozen northland. We luv you guys!

White Mike say:  White Mike looooooooooove pussy pie!  ZGHEA!!!!  Gots to have da right ingredients though!!!  I pick out my own!

Will Mike axes:  yo yo yo, we be -itis freaks from G.J. and we got questions 'bout ass lickin's.  Is I some freak for likng ass lickin'?  I got chased down dare and got a poke found I kina liked it, so I liked it again!!!!  So, is I a freak or wot?

White Mike say:  Yo, G!  Whassup?  Ass lickin' is older den mullets!  People just don't talk 'bout it much.  Dats all.  It's all good, fool.  White Mike like it.  Long as it be clean.  Like fresh out da shower!  It's FREAKY!!!  It could also be used as a way to prime a bitch for da ass F**KIN yo been tryin' to give her.  Slowly work da finger in a few times.  B4 you know it, she be axin' to DOOP!  Beggin' for it!  Loving it!  WHORES!!!!  I gots ta go whack off now!   OUT...

CEO of Blue Steel Productions axes:  I've recently purchased an "I eat pineapple daily" shirt at one of your last shows here. I'm now wondering if the "male actors" I hire for my "short films" would benefit from all of my "female actresses" eating pineapple daily as well?  What about the females that I have work "together" frequently? I do personally make sure that these fine young ladies do take proper care of themselves, but with so many of my "films" being made on such a regular basis, I do wonder if this will have an added benefit to keep everyone happy during "film-making"?

White Mike say:  What up dog? ZGHEEAA!!! Da ho's can't benefit from the prodigious nature of da pisniapple. It only work for da se-men...UGH!!! ZGHEEAA...Awight!!!! Now, just have the ho-mo's follow these direction:

1. If it smell like cologne.....Leave it's alone
2. If it smell like a fish.....It a mutha f**kin dish
3. If it taste like chicken....keeps on lickin....

Now, White Mike ain't up on the fish part.....If dat happen to moi, I prefers to smear some type o' cover up/deodorizing/disinfectant agent on dat thang (makin' da bitch shower ain't gonna help her...or you)....These will do da trick:

1. For da average fish bitch.....try some Lemon Meringue Pie....It will cover up any smell coming from her.  It will also cover up any extracurricular fluids seeping out dat you may not wanna see and...it taste good. If you ain't got none...lemon puddin' will do in a pinch.

2. For da above average fish bitch you needs to upgrade to some salsa...Any flavor will works. I prefer medium spicy/chunky....Smear it on and let it sit for 15 min.....Then rinse and repeat....That stank will float away like a fart in da wind!!

3. For da potent punaner in yous life.....simple....Simple Green...Oh yeah, dog...Dat shit will kill ANYTHING and believes you me...White Mike seen EVERYTHING!!! I keeps a bottle in my various cribs and I got da travel size dat go wit me erwhere. Spray on.....Rinse off....No wiping necessarily necessary....Zgheeaa...Ugh! 

Dat should keep you man-ho's happy and performing with a smile on dey face!!!! 

Zghea...out....Peace

Special K axes:  Yo White Mike, I got mad troubles with money, yo.  'Ery time I get some, my woman gaffles all my dough at da sto...ain't dat bout a bizneeziotch? I ain't got a job dat suppotes dat kinda habit. Do I need welfare?  White Mike...dis is a brotha askin a brotha fo some help...can you give me da 411? I'sa bee seein ya at da Ox in Febuw... Febua... erybody know whut I be sayin...play some phat shiznit for me, yo... Peace out, mah nigga..  (Ummm if you can, sir, can you dedicate a song for me?) (^_^) Aight then, I betta be off...  Like my mamma always say.. "Love, peace and chicken grease" One!

White Mike say:  Yo Special K.  Big up to Little K....UH.....Is da biotch giving up da pink? Is she suckin' yo cock on a regular basis?  If she is, den you got yoself a nice little ho...You gotsta pay, homey....Some how...Some way....You GOTSTA pay....If she AIN'T doin' da nasty ertime you want, den she not doing her ho duties and she need to be bitch smacked and sent to DA STREET to do da nasty....Nuttin like a little pimpin' o' yo property won't straighten da biotch out.....

Yo' Geeky Homey axes:  Wha's up nigga, yo!  I's be havin' a question fo ya.  Me and da bitch be splittin', and I was wondering what was da best way to whack her without da Man comin' down on my sh*t.  I ain't got da Benjamins for alimony or chil' support, I'm just a hard workin' nigga.  Should I put a cap in her ass, slice her, burn da bitch, what?  You got the low-down on someone who'd do da job fo me, cheap-like?  Keep it true.

White Mike say:  Yo, nigga, yo.  First lesson in crimes o' passion is:  DON'T TELL NO NIGGAS WHAT YOU GONNA DO!!!!!  Dey be da first ones ta roll over on yo ass and get time off Uncle Leroy sentence.  Hire some junked up white boys.  First o' all, we all looks alike to them so they never pick you out of a line up.  Second, who gonna believe dat a nigga HIRED a cracker?  NO ONE, HOLMES!!!!!  You be in and out and nuttin be touching you.  Make it look like a accident.  Cut the bitches break line or some shit.  Just set up whitey to take the fall. Peace. Out.

Beckelheimer's Bud axes:  Yo mutha f**kah. I can't get my biotch to get wif me and another biotch. I keep tellin' the ho there's no muff too tuff, but the ho just won't dive.   No what I'm sayin'? How do I get the biotch to go muff divin'?

White Mike say:  Yo, whassup?  I understand you predicament and it be tough.  But, I can tell you, White Mike had a similar experience recently.  Will she let a bitch go down on her? If so, YOU ARES HALF WAY THERE, MY MAN!!!!  If not, it's easier to get da ho to go down on her FIRST. Dat way, she get used to the idea of being a lesbian. Once they done that, they trippin' on it, homey. I BE KNOWIN' DAT SHIT!!!  Once da bitch, ho lesbian eat her box and make her cum like a good lesbian, she will WANT....She will NEED.....She will HAVE to return the favor!!!! da Yin and da Yang, bro....Da give and Da Take!!!!  Trust White Mike on dis one.....He be experienced and shit.

Clay Sun Union axes:  We was a wonderin, if we was about to be up outta dis bitch and head on a road trip down to the muthaf**kin' grocery stow in Colorado Springs, could you show us how you get thos big sweaty carriage-drivin' grocery hoe's back to the White Mike pad. It would be really cool if we five could borrow your crib for like a half a day to snake some Saqunia Nubena or any other Nubean Queen that we might find getting ready to fire up dem chitlins or pig feet  (yummmmmm), it would be slammin', G!  We don't have much money cause we be like jammin' music for a livin' and shit, so help a nigga out, White Mike, yo!

White Mike say:  Yo niggas....what up? Good hearing my homies from da Nashville crib checkin' in...I got two answers for your sorry asses......FUDGE and PIZZA!!!!!! Dem ho's love to eat. Dangle a large pepperoni or fudge on a stick in front of dem and da bitches be hot to trot.....NO PUSSY NO FUDGE!!!!!!! 

Scooter axes:  Yo White Mike, my bitch be tellin' me dat it hurts when I stick it in her ass. I never got more dan my penis head up der. Tell me what is da secret to "doopin" her.  Tanks.

White Mike say:  Yo m**ha f**ka....The secret ta DOOPIN' is simple......ALCOHOL.....Get her phat ass drunk, dat m**ha f**ka be opening up like a rose!!!!!! Sticking all up for penetration....she be BEGGIN' you for it, homey.....As far as her pain go.....F**K HER....Pain is all in her head...er ass...er head.....Give her some Advil and shove a sock in her yap!

Mr. Beckelheimerschmidt axes:  Yo Homey - My ho keeps telling me "eat more pineapple"....I don't know why and I's tired o' dat shit. I keeps saying, "I want more asparagus" but all she's a bringin' home from da sto is pineapple. Do you think she is trying to tell me somethin'? I don't think my breath stinks....

White Mike say:  Yo, whassup homey.......Eatin' pineapple make dat cum taste good for dat swallowin' biotch o' yours. If ya want the knob polished and spit shined, I suggest you keep dat in you diet. Try drinkin' some pineapple juice....Dat be easier on you and it will still work. Peace. Out.

Mrs. Beckelheimerschmidt axes:  Homey, I just recently got married to this sweet man with a horribly long name....Beckelheimer. My question is:  How do I gently ask my new husband to eat more pineapple and less asparagus?  My husband is a serious, sensitive and emotional man, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. 

White Mike say:  BIOOOOOOTCH!!!!!! Dat be easy. Can you drive a car? Good. Go to da f**kin sto and BUY you man da right shisnit! Dat be what you for, bisquisniatch! You could slip him an -itis shirt "I Eat Pineapple Daily" if dat don't work!  I be knowing dis man you's be speaking of and I knows he won't gets offended! Trust White Mike!!!

Confused and Perplexed axes:  My bitch ax's me to give it to her like White Mike! You been up my bitches poo shoot G?

White Mike say:  NAW G! White Mike don't be playin dat shit. He got enough ho's. She just see how White Mike move on stage and know he be poppin' da hershey highway with expertise dat don't be normal or duplicated!!! Tell her it can't be done! I be ORIGINAL, Mutha F**ka!!!!

White Mike say:  Yo bitch.  I don't give a f*ck what you do.  Don't be buggin' me wit yo piddly little life mutha f*cka......Too cold to be doing anythin' up there anyways...rent some f*ckin movies, G!!!!

White Mike say:  Yo mutha f*cka....It ain't normal....matter o fact,  it's downright HOMO!  Less you be spending that HARD earned cash on some fine ass ho...know what I'm saying, G?  If you go dat far, da bitch will give it up wit no struggle...unlike that object cuming out ya ass!!!!

White Mike say:  Eat a f*ckin' steak (homey 3:15) or eventually you family picture will look like a bar code on a pack a cigarettes.  

White Mike say:  Pam-a-licious!!!!  I be likin' dat name.  Sounds like you be ready to swap all kinds o bodily fluids.  Dats dope.  Not sure where to find all the cool niggas, but White Mike can give you a temporary fix...fo sure!  Bring da maple syrup, bitch!  I'll bring da bondage.

White Mike say:  Probably not, Kirk.  I can tell you ain't got no rhythm, so it prolly slip out every two strokes.  Goes and gets a big dildo, and start shovin' that in her.  You may have a bit more groove with your hand.  She'll be thankin' me fo dat.  They always do, yo.  E'r'body know.

White Mike say:  Listen up, Slasher.  The first rule in matters of the heart is dump da bitch as soon as you figure she after yo cash and not yo ass!  Know what I'm saying "G"?  Don't be a pussy.  Tell her you don't need her services no mo! She probably don't suck you cock enough anyway.  Am I right?  Don't matter how phat she is.  Pump and dump her ass.  That leaves the one after yo dick.  As far as I'm concerned,  she is the perfect girl.  Wants your cock but nothing else?  What the fuck,  are you a homo?  You should be knee deep in shaved puss right now....They don't come around that often.  Don't be a dickhead. Give me her number ....I'll be right over.

White Mike say:  uhhhhhh.....dude.....your GAY....find yourself a homey.

White Mike say:  It come from sheep...everybody know!

White Mike say:  Bitch, if you f**k wit da white mike afro,  he be seriously pissed....it take a lot work to keep the perfect do....uh....nah....for reals.....it be depending on the level of excitement you be presenting....know what I'm saying?  If you get White Mike in a tizzy,  you could be having remnants on your pillow....or all over the mutha fu**in' place...in ya eye....in ya pussy....in ya ass....I get all up in that shit bitch.....WM  p.s. what's yo number, ho?

Dave axes:  Dear White Mike...I have a friend coming to town within the next couple of weeks, and I'm feeling a Playstation 2 NHL 2001 Hockey Tournament on the horizon.  The last time we played, it was 3 to 3 going into the last game, and I arose the victor in Game 7 after overtime.  My ? is, should I give him a chance to win the cup?!?

White Mike say:  Yo Negro....always give da competition to have a second shot at the title...dat way when you kick his mutha fu**in ass...again....you be knowin' who da real champ be.  WM

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